Sidequests are the worst.
They really are. Let me tell you it:
Here’s how a lot of RPGs work (I’m talking about computer RPGs, videogames, that is, but a lot of tabletop stuff works similarly):
You are tasked with a blah blah blah epic quest to save the world and so forth, defeating hugely vile creatures and removing the despair of the entire world!
Wow, really?
Yep.
Sweet! I just fought an ogre! I guess I’m going to go to the capital city now and throw down with the evil baron, then unite the ancient guardians of the freedom of the—
Hey!
What, old woman?
Do you know every last detail about my religious order?
No. Get lost.
But your effectiveness in the game will be diminished if you don’t listen to me babble and read my codex and rescue my cat and paint my toenails magenta, but, if you’re evil, you can paint them black.
See? This is what I have to deal with. This is what you have to deal with. This is what we have to deal with, fellow gamers!
It’s absurd, and it needs to stop.
I HEREBY PROPOSE
that stupid sidequests become DLC. That way, the dramatically masochistic suckers who find endless conversation trees with dead-end NPCs titillating may blah blah blah until they find contentment. And they can pay to indulge this inscrutable vice.
The rest of us?
We’ll pursue the actual dramatic elements that presumably are the primary draw of a game vaunting its story. That is, we’ll:
- make significant moral decisions
- take stances on principles
- build relationships with other characters
- break relationships with other characters
- overcome personal issues
- fail to overcome personal issues
- experience interesting fictional permutations of actual personalities and customs
- and engage in dramatically meaningful conflict, including the sort of conflict that involves broadswords and fireballs
And you know what? If we find the button mashing so compelling that we just can’t get enough, we might even buy the DLC and paint some old lady’s toenails.